Tesauro: Part Five

Her ocean-blue eyes flooded with tears. She tried to speak. As if she were choking, her hand clutched at her throat.

I had disrespected her feelings. My jaw hung loose; my mouth agape. I felt that I was slowly sinking inside of myself. I realised that she was helpless—a fish out of water. I stared in great horror at what I had done. Finally I flinched away and stumbled as I stood. I muttered angrily, to myself, to the world, to everything

“Well, all right, then! If you will be that way!” I swallowed my sobs and pushed her forcefully back into the water. Unexpectedly she fell rigidly and crashed heavily into the peak of a large wave. And my reaction too slow to catch her again, powerlessly, I watched her sink. Her hair floated up around her head and her arms trailed after her as she disappeared. Her eyes were fixated on mine. Her mouth opened as if to say something. I watched her thin wilting shape as it dimmed, deepening in blue. A wave fell over her face. She was pulled away into darkness and she was gone. I had upset her serenity. Perhaps she had drowned by being out of the water. I could not know. My mind was white, numb, and filled with a high-pitched note.

I stumbled up the beach. My eyes were wet. My dreams were lost. I was too late. I thought that my heart had broken with her spell. My breaths were short warm gasps. “It should never have been this way,” my voice cracked, as fluid dripped from my nose to my chin. “It should never have been this problematical.” I should never have reacted the way that I did. I asked too much of her. I sighed, dazed, trying escape the event by separating my feelings from my thoughts. I attempted to focus on the fact that the blue sky existed, but lapsed into the thought—‘I should never have acted so conceited.’ I drowned her. Gone forever. ‘I am a horrible person,’ I concluded. How could I have tried to stop a wave from breaking? How could I have hoped to hold the water of the sea in my hands? I shivered and shook. “Get out of my mind,” I growled.

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